i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
