Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
