at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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