you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
