Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
