He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
