I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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