Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize