Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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