haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
