I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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