Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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