I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
