Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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