I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
