I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
