I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
