I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
