i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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