I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
