How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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