it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
