5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
