totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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