I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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