WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
