omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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