dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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