My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
