Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize