the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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