My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
soo... how was my night?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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