He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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