I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
