My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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