***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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