I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you are never too drunk for berry picking
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
