Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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