i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
