We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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