we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
