how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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