I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
