how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
