i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My ass is underappreciated
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
