I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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