and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
