I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
