Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize