i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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