It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
