Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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