Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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