So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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