Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize