they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
