a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there's paper in my vomit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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