Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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