Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
