ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
