Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
