Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
