So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
