Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
