Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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